“This is How You’ll Feel”

You know that moment? That moment the depressive mood and anxiety hits you? Yeah, that moment. I mean I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. There are days that are better than others. Today is not one of them. How can I explain the feeling? Let’s see.

This is how depression makes me feel. Low energy, tired, want to hide, feeling worthless and useless, no excitement for the future because I can’t see how my future can get any better. Feel like a terrible mother and wife. I feel like a joke.

This is how anxiety makes me feel. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to hide. I worry about the future and how to make it better. What the hell am I doing? I am wasting time. I am not being productive. How are my kids?

I wasted my whole day sitting on my ass, didn’t get up until around noon. My poor children, didn’t really feed them anything good today. Didn’t take them out today. Their father had to take them out after a long day of work to get groceries. I couldn’t get myself out of the house today.

Where in the hell did this come from? I hate when it just pops up and says:

‘Hello. It’s us. We are going to make you feel like you are a waste of time, you tend to waste time. You are going to feel like you either need to shove your head into a hole in the ground or, want to crawl out of your skin. At the same time you will feel sadness, loneliness, worthlessness, resentment and anger. You’ll have no energy and want to avoid life and sleep. You’re children whom you love? Well we’ll make you feel like a terrible mother. You’ll have no energy for them. You’ll wish they were self-sufficient because well, they are seven and ten. The feeling of being a shitty and unfair wife will come up as well. You will also feel a lack of interest for the future, you’ll feel that a good future is not meant for you. Yes you’ll feel like a human piece of wasted flesh. There are others in the world who could use your body parts you know. Others who would make good use out of them. Who would actually be a productive part of society. Yes this is how we are going to make you feel. Boo!’

Sincerely Depression and Anxiety

Bastards! I don’t let it beat me. I ride the ride. Feel the feelings and hope that the next day is a better day. It is painful. It hurts. It is depleting and debilitating. But I’m here! I’m fighting.

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