This is Where I’m At

I am in a good place right now. Mentally speaking. No longer wanting to sleep my days away to hide from the pain. Pain that has been caused by myself. No on purpose of course. Who wants to feel pain all of the time? Not I! It was the mental illness pain. The pain of my mental illness. The pain of my past. The pain of my thoughts. Just the pain of the way I was living my life. Supposedly. That wasn’t ‘living’. That was surviving. Most mornings I awoke to debilitating thoughts and feelings which led to inaction. Led to dread, hopelessness, hiding, irritability, anxiety, sadness, fear, tiredness, just a complete and utter miserable existence.

Now I awake with “ok, what will today bring me?” I feel hopeful. That’s the main feeling, along with some motivation. That’s where I am at right now. I take each day as it comes. I do not fear the past, present or future. I accept what was behind me, with me and hopefully in front of me. I deserve happiness. I deserve to forgive myself of my wrongdoings. I deserve to forgive my parents. Always thought that I did. I was wrong. I now accept the way I grew up. I felt the anger, the sadness, regret, fear and pain. I still feel it sometimes. I let myself. I have to, for my own sake and the sake of my children. Feel it and let it pass. That’s the key. I deal with it if I need to by talking it out or writing about it. I try not to stew anymore. I am at the point where I am freeing my inner child from all of the heart wrenching fear and pain.

Little Tara,

You are safe with me now. I can take care of you now. I am healthier now to do so. I am sorry it took me so long to get here. I am sorry for all of the further damage I added to us as I grew. Major damage. I am learning to forgive now. I am learning to like myself now. I’m not at the point where I love myself yet, but I do love YOU little Tara. I will take care of you and you can feel safe.

Ugh. I need to stop….for now. It’s cleansing yet draining emotionally. THIS HERE WAS A BIG STEP FOR ME.

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