It’s Almost 1:00 am…

but I feel that I have to write. I have to share what I am feeling. No rhyme or reason. Just feeling sad, lost and have no direction. I feel that I am wasting my life away trying to figure out who I am, who I am supposed to be and where I am supposed to be going. In between those wonders I sleep. Get into bad bouts of depression. Stare blankly at the TV, outside or the ceiling. Then I will get anxious in there too. Thinking to myself “There is not much time left Tara. You are 42 yrs old. What have you done with yourself?” (I was diagnosed in my late teens. Never have I had a bout that lasted this long.) Well I have lost about four years of my life…I feel. Four years in a depression, a low grade constant depression. What do they call that? Dysthymia:

‘In addition to depression or irritable mood, at least two of the following must be present: insomnia or excessive sleep, low energy or fatigue, low self-esteem, poor appetite or overeating, poor concentration or indecisiveness, and feelings of hopelessness.’ As per Psychology Today.
Well, I am experiencing all of those today…still. With the exception of ‘overeating.’ Anxiety started to play a more pronounced role as well.
This has been a constant since around the time of the Justin Timberlake concert that I had seen in 2014. I’m not kidding. I remember sitting there witnessing this man living his wonderful life with a purpose. I felt out of place. Lost. I went to work the next day.  I sat there at that damn desk and was watching all of my co-workers working away. Doing their assigned tasks. I froze. I panicked. I felt the tightness in my chest, feeling disillusioned, and an out of body sensation, but a conscious feeling of the anxious hum at the same time. Why couldn’t I work? Why did I freeze? What was it about those 24 hrs in January 2014 that brought me here today? I don’t know what triggered it. I’m still trying to figure that out. What the hell did Justin Timberlake do to me? (Heh heh. Kidding.) But really, it was like a switch went off, not on. It’s been off ever since.
Ok. Going on a tangent: Try parenting feeling this way. To be emotionally available to your small children. Children with special needs. What I had in me, I gave to them. I got them the help that they needed. The testing, all of the appointments with therapists, specialists and Doctors. I gave my all to my children. I gave what energy and emotional strength that I did have to my two beautiful beings. Didn’t leave much for anything else. Especially my husband. Going off course. That is another story.
Now is when my journey, my recovery if you will begins. I could go back to my childhood I guess?
Ok, how about this? That is when I started spiraling down. Now is when I will disassemble my past, examine each piece, either repair pieces that can be repaired, or realize it is fine to leave the piece as it is, for it to be untouched. You know feel the feeling and move on. There is no need to dissect each piece of my life is there? No, there is no need.
This will not be smooth sailing. My sail faced strong waves, storms, and tidal waves. Along with the occasional calm, content, quiet rest of the waters. With blessings of joyful  rides on small happy waves.
All aboard!
It’s a start….

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