Something Has Got to Give

Imagine. The feeling of being stuck and lost at the same time, but within yourself. The feeling of turning the switch on a lamp and the light bulb does not go on. the switch does not work. It does not turn, the mechanism is stripped.

Imagine being paralyzed. Wanting to move a limb, but can not. The signals from your brain simply can not make your limb move.

I. I feel stuck. I am stuck. Stuck in this mind that can not let me function some of the most simplest of tasks. That can not let me live the life that I should be living, or just simply live a life. I try. God knows that I try. It is painful. Tiring. Debilitating. I can’t go over it, can’t go through it, can’t go under it. Can I go around it? Nope. Simply can not go.

I feel trapped. Someone unlock me from my brain. Unlock me so I can live. I have a pitiful existence. What a waste of a life. I have loved ones who have lost their lives. Here I am with one and I can not do anything with it. I don’t have the capabilities or know how to get through this maze, this labyrinth I have unconsciously created for myself. I had no control over it. Honestly I didn’t. I sought help. I am seeking help. I need help. I need and want to live! I want to experience. I want to get back to where I was. To contribute to society. I have a lot to give. To work. To fulfill my passions with confidence.

I am cheating myself without even trying to. It’s just happening. I am cheating my children, my family. I do what I have to and move on. Move on to what? Hiding. Being stuck. Then punishing myself for it. It is a vicious cycle. This is not living. I do not know how to help myself. It is a prison. I have provided myself with my very own prison. How in the hell do I get out? With what energy, motivation, and strength? Tired. So tired.

I am not feeling sorry for myself. It’s the truth. I have been living the last four years of my life this way and I am sick of it. Medications…switch medications…grief counselling…CBT therapy…group therapies…DBT therapy…marriage counselling…family counselling…switch medications…quit work…switch medications…mental health hospital stay…medications…made major decisions…lessen the load…switch medications.

I am sick of it. Something has got to give!

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