His Secret (warning contents about suicide. Hopeful message as well)

He was a brilliant boy
with dark brown hair
Envied by girls
because of his curls
He’d walk through the halls
at the school where he matured
groove in his step
He was a cool kid
The honor student
The jock
It was a burden to him
To keep up this lie
This charade
His peers would ask
“how are you?”
Him, “awesome man.”
Forcing a superior smirk
Little did they know
the deep dark thoughts
he was harbouring
Feeling trapped in his brain
They would creep up often
his thoughts
Actually almost constantly
‘you are worthless; your life is a joke.
No one must find out
You are a liar
A fake
A phony
You’re pathetic’

No one knew
Not even his parents
It was his secret
His dark and sad secret.
“How was school?”
The routine question
from his parents
The routine answer from him
He went up to his bedroom
Each step closer to his saving grace
There he need not pretend
There he would plot his disintegration
Not knowing how he would do it
He just wanted to pain to end
End the thoughts taunting him
In his head
The ideations are
becoming reality.

He took out his favorite pen
crisp white paper
He sat on his bed
pondering what to write to his parents
He just began with:

‘I have been keeping a secret.
I am in such mental and emotional anguish.
I am a loser, a fake, a phony.
Everyone thinks that I am who I am not.
That guy who walks the halls,
That’s not me.
That guy they praise on my report cards.
Not me.
The child you birthed
Not me.
My life has become a façade.
I’m not happy.
I hate who I am.
I want to go away.
Never to come back again.
Mommy, Daddy
I am so sorry to have done this to you.
I can’t take it anymore.
I can no longer hide my tears,
my insane fears and insecurities.
I can no longer live my life.
It is a painful one.
I am taking the hurt away
The only way I know how…..’

A knock at his door
A saving knock
His parents appeared
looking perplexed, shocked and sad
They sat on his bed
one on each side of him
H9e was surrounded
He quickly pushed his note
under his pillow
Another lie
They had a message
His friend had taken her life
What?! No! Not her!
She seemed happy, popular and smart.
Tears rolled down his face
Head buried in his pillow
Fist clenched
He was angry
He shouted
“Why didn’t she tell me?
Why didn’t she talk to anyone?
Why didn’t I know?”
His mom comforting him
rubbing his back
“No one knew baby.
Not even her parents.”

His hand brushed his note
under his pillow
‘I have to’ he thought
‘I have to,
I must show them,
But I’m scared.’
With an angry shameful scream
With an angry shameful grab of his note
He pushed it into his mom’s hands
Panic set in
‘oh no! What have I done?
Now they’ll know. I’m so scared’
He couldn’t breath
He rocked back and forth
Back and forth
Sobbing uncontrollably
He kept repeating,
“I need help
Make the pain go away
I need help
Make the pain stop
Mommy help
I don’t want to end up like her!”
Desperation fleeing
From his deep dark mind
He is fleeing
From his deep dark mind
Clinging to safety and protection,
his mom
from himself
He looked up
and simply said
“I don’t want to die.”
His piercing green eyes
blood shot red
He then unleashed all the secrets
Inside his head

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