I Am My Nightmare

I AM my own worst critic. Nightmare. So I am finally starting to feel like the intensity of my depression is lessening. Instead of enjoying it and celebrating it, I seem to be self sabotaging myself. I fret about what I am to do with my life. Give myself a break. I just started to feel some sort of relief again! I started to relax with my children and husband more. Became more playful. Have more patience with my son and his behavioral problems. Thinking and acting more clearly now. I think? (There I go second guessing myself again). Why is it that I need reassurance? I’ve been battling depression and anxiety most of my adult life, the last five years being the worst. Ok, I’ll reassure myself.

I had two good weeks of having a sound mind. Then I started to worry that I wasn’t doing enough. That I needed to do more. Do more of what? I don’t know. Just more. I just started to feel better for frick sake. “Chill out Tara and enjoy what your mind and body is giving to you. It’s giving you a break.” (See it’s funny that I say a break, like it’s coming back. I’m expecting it).

My brain is telling me lately, ‘I’m not writing enough; my brain has nothing insightful to write about; no good advice to share.’ I want to volunteer for a Mental Health Support community called We All Believe In You. I’m worried about what I can or can not offer them. I can help, I just have to make sure I don’t get in too deep. I don’t want to lose this new found higher plateau that I am on. I don’t want to let anyone down.  I don’t want to lose myself. Or have I even found myself in the first place?

Finding One’s Self

What does that mean? I know my likes and dislikes. I love coffee, but hate it black. I love dogs but, don’t care too much for cats. Or is it knowing myself in the grand scheme of life? If I disrespect myself, this I know. I know that I am hard on myself. Like I said, “my own worst critic.” I put myself into a mood and of course ruin everyone else’s around me. Instead of just accepting what is, I have to put a little more thought into it. Doing that makes me anxious.So, instead of accepting what IS becomes finding what IT’s not and what IT should be. I know, it’s confusing. The ‘Ifs’ and ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’. The negative thinking pattern. I do this with myself, why?

Why Self Sabotage?

“Hope for the best but, expect the worst”. Prepare for the worst. Think of the worst case scenario and get a pleasant surprise if the worst isn’t all that bad. I’m used to the negative. Good things scare me. Pleasant scares me. Smooth scares me. No bumps in the road scares me. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. It usually does. See? Terrible. I know I do it to myself. We have experienced a lot in our lives, my siblings and I. It’s hard to accept the good when you grew up knowing and witnessing the bad. It’s easier to notice the flaws. Are we wired this way? Adult Children of Alcoholics….it is a trait. So is Borderline Personality Disorder, (speaking for myself not my siblings) I’m about a trait away from it. Ugh. “But everybody has BPD.” Screw that. Give me proof.

One Day at a Time.

Yes. Yep. That’s the way to go.

 

 

 

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