I have been in a deeper depression lately. The past couple of months really. The mental and physical symptoms are debilitating. The negative and intrusive thoughts kill what little sanity I have left.

It amazes me how one little sentence of “thought” can affect ones’ mood. How they feel about themselves. Now think of paragraphs lined with those sentences filling your head from consciousness to unconsciousness. Awake to sleeping. I must get a grasp on those run on sentences. I must stop those sentences with a “period” followed by a hard “NO!” I am not my thoughts. I am not my depression.

It’s been such a long battle that I believe that I am. This is all that I have know for these past five years. I’ve had depression all of my adult life, but these last five years have been the hardest. Enough is enough.

What am I trying to teach myself? What haven’t I learned? I have all of the tools. I have the supports. What is it? What am I lacking? Is it now just a chemical imbalance? Or is there more therapy to be done? Probably both. I know my brain just needs to shut up. What comes first the chicken or the egg? So much more to figure out. I guess my work is not done. DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) anyone? Haven’t really dove into that one yet.

It’s all so debilitating. It is hard to combat the thoughts, lethargy and sadness. I need to find the drive. Maybe I need to get angry. I can get angry at the depression! You bet I can! I just can’t afford to get angry at myself. Although it is hard not to. But, I am not my depression (broken record). It’s hard to get that through my messed up head. It is hard to replace the negative thinking with positive. Because…do I really deserve that? Feeling good? Gag. I just realized that I believe that I do not. I am doing this to myself?! No, I can’t be. Not purposely.

My brain is sicker lately. For instance the pancreas is not making the right amount of insulin or any at all, therefore the pancreas can not function properly. Need to take insulin. The brain’s receptors/neurotransmitters are not working, therefore problems with serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine. Need to take antidepressants etc. See it’s an illness. Whatever. Trying to make sense of it all. Just trying to understand if this is ME supporting my depression? Aiding and abetting. Am I guilty of aiding and abetting my depression? Subconsciously I may be. Why would I want to feel this way? No one wants to feel this way. I am NOT afraid to feel “well.” That is NOT it. I will not suggest a thing. I would not let fear, (if I had the fear) of feeling better affect my life or my children’s lives. Their quality of life. I would not. I feel that would be selfish on my part. Got a bit defensive there. Holy the mind can really play tricks on you. I am not my thoughts. OK new med change…help me kick this in the ass!