Sitting here with my thoughts. What is it that I want? What am I striving for? Am I striving? I’m spinning my wheels trying to find my way. Where? Where do I want to go?
I want to run from myself. I want to hide from myself; but ‘myself’ always remains. Me and my baggage, pain and my self-induced suffering. When am I going to be able to let it all go? It’s the world, the people and myself. I can’t detach. It dangles on me, it hangs on me, it climbs inside of me…it won’t go away. It’s part of me. Do I just accept it and learn to live with it? Do I fight it? Do I embrace it with open broken arms? What is ‘IT’?
I’ve been trying to fight. I feel defeat. Other times I feel like I may be clued in. Other times I feel like I am trapped in a box with chains wrapped around it and concealed with a lock. There may be a tiny peephole…may be. Sometimes I can see the light through the hole, but I can not touch the light or feel the warmth coming from it. How in the hell do I find the key? How do I escape me, ‘my box’? How do I escape the weight that I am carrying, dangling and that is climbing inside of me? The weight of me.
Sept 10, 2015 and now.